Goin' Home, Folks

"Don't call Barry Feinstein"

Don’t tell Veronica, but over Christmas, the concierge at St. Pete’s Holiday Inn Express told me we had received a letter from North Andover, MA.

I was afraid it was a notice of tax evasion for the year 2009, but it wasn’t. It was a notice of family evasion.

Veronica comes from a very sturdy, Catholic family. Her father, as seen above, is the village lawyer. He enjoys raw ethnic meat and a good pipe of tobacco. Her mother, who is not shown above, is a God-fearin’ Irish lass who takes care of the elderly and runs Bible-Mates, Inc. on the side. I dare you to look up Bible-Mates right now!

Veronica’s a middle child, which explains why she would lash out by up and leaving home for a whole year without correspondence. But mostly it’s because Peter, her younger brother, doesn’t respect her passion for dance. All he cares about is winning illegitimate basketball tournaments.

Anyways, it seems the Shaheens were getting worried about young Ronny around the yuletide, since she had been away for Spring Break for nine months. They wrote her this letter.

The Shaheen Family Portrait, September 2009

December 24, 2009

Dearest Veronica Lydia,

Darling child, wherefore have you been? Mother misses you fiercely. She weeps by the fireside presently, burying her face deep into her sumptuous vole furs as she bellows in agony for your loss. Father has taken to complete isolation in his study. All cheer has been wiped from his countenance, no longer does he bound jovially about the house, but paces hither and thither as anxiety consumes him.
Peter and I endeavor in vain to console them, but it won't take. What's worse is the effect your absence has had on poor Kashel. She's so thin and frail from grief. We all knew she loved you best.
Veronica, make way for home this Christmas. Cranberry Lane Estate isn't the same without you. Quit this absurd holiday and restore the joy that once made our home a happy one.
Your sister,
Constance


Luckily, we are well on our way out of Russia. We have just crossed the Finnish border...but there has been a car following us since Svetogorsk...