White Russians are the Most Redundant Drinks

I mean, it hurts to be called redundant---I know from experience (ooooooh my bad....my emergency therapy session with Dr. Chechnya Herzog was for nothing---the Doc expressly told me I need to forgive Veronica "Nico" Sheehan (sp?) for calling me that.) Well, I guess it's like they say, old wounds are salty and close funny but they can open again even though sometimes they just heal normally...but sometimes you don't know when you're pregnant.

That is what they say? Right?

Anyways, Nico wasn't joshin' ya guys when she said Red Club night got out of hand. But for more reasons than she yet knows. The thing is....I still haven't brought myself to tell her what really happened that night. It's more from the lack of trust than the shock value, though.

First of all, that bearded version of me that told her not to ask about the beard?
NOT ME. It was a decoy bearded Lauren vested with all kinds of bizarre charms. After all, who in their right mind wouldn't ask where their hot gal pal got a big surly beard???? I know we drove through Canada and everything, but some things should still shock us.

Secondly, while I was dancin up on some tall dark Russian lads, an old man with a glass eye swiveled on his barstool to get a better look at me. He was approximately one hundred and forty years old, and well remembered the siege of the Romanov Palace before the Revolution.

Well...guess who he mistook me for with my fiery hair and iron will??


HOLY SHIT. The Russians really care about long lost royalty, almost as much as they care about British Literature. But yeah, somehow a nineteen year old redhead on holiday in 2009 equates to a redhead Tsarina named Anastasia who was killed in 1918....

What I'm trying to say is that I'm writing from my perch in the Alexander Palace, with a bunch of hemophiliacs bleeding all over me and insisting that we're distant relatives.

Which means that the person with V Dubbs...


It's really a shame. I have no idea how Ronny's going to explain this to all the irate single mothers.