You wouldn't tell a Jigger not to Jig

I had a dream, which was not all a dream.
The bright sun was extinguish'd, and the stars
Did wander darkling in the eternal space,
Rayless, and pathless, and the icy earth
Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air;
Morn came and went--and came, and brought no day,
And men forgot their passions in the dread
Of this their desolation; and all hearts
Were chill'd into a selfish prayer for light:

-Lord Byron (Ryan McCan)

So when we last left off we were in Thompson, Manitoba Canada. I had quite a time there as Lauren told you. This surprised us both as we thought she would be the one to have fun in this town. Now, Lauren just had to go to Thompson, Manitoba, something about a pilgrimage and "I wouldn't understand something so anglo-saxon". But it was ok because now we were way the fuck up there and that was all we ever wanted. The only trouble with being this far North was that Lthomps couldn't stop shaking uncontrollably; she just couldn't come to terms with how far we were from the equator. That poor Emerson Dance major, I just wish the real world hadn't been so shocking to her.

But anyway, it was our duty to continue on. From here we traveled for quite a while on creepy ass roads until we got to Troy Lake. Well actually, all of Canada at this point was made up of creepy roads. And I got the heebee geebees pretty bad. So between Lauren's seizures and my general fright, we were quite the pair!

Once we got passed Lake Troy we no longer knew where we were at all. We just vaguely (and ironically, of course) knew we were going North. We saw blurry images of snow and trees whizz by us, made all the more disturbing by our attempts to cheer each other up with songs like, "My Life Would Suck Without You" and "Oh Girl". Not to mention Lauren's random Marxist exclamations. Somewhere way the fuck up there, we stopped at a gas station, and the unthinkable happened. We were ambushed by neo-tribalists! They came crawling out from under the tires in the body shop, they jumped down from the roof, they slid out of the vending machines!




"You, 'AMERICANS', take a look at our pamphlets. You may have a chance to be saved from your erroneous lifestyles after all."


"Please just leave us alone", Lauren screamed as she doused them in precious gasoline.


"HOW DARE YOU POUR THAT GOVERNMENT PROPAGANDA ON OUR VIRGIN BODIES!" Yelled the neo-tribalists.


"Lets get out of here, Lauren!", I exclaimed.


"WAIT! We just want to show you that you are merely pawns in a game of chess. PAWNS."


But we were gone. We found out later it was a miracle that, that amount of douche bag intake didn't kill us. Oh, but we were lucky more than once on our trip.




(Typical Neo-Tribalist)

Finally we reached Kugaaruk, Nunavut and it was time to begin the long hard journey of island hopping. Holy Hell, you should just bow to us for being able to do this. For Christ's sake, it really is physically impossible, but if we knew one thing about Russians, it's that Dostoyevsky was probably the first existentialist. Using this knowledge we concluded that just because something is fact doesnt mean it can stop us from driving to Russia. That's what I wish I could get through to the single, working class moms. But they told me to fuck off and try working two jobs and then see if I have time to be smart. I tried to tell them that I can't work because I'm in college and college is incredibly difficult, but they just kept flipping me off. Poor misguided fools.



But I digress...





IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS BEEN HARMED OR VERBALLY HARRASSED BY A NEO-TRIBALIST CALL THIS NUMBER NOW: 978-835-1712.